I am not responsible for the burden of anyone's thoughts but mine. If I wear a tank top, it's because it's hot and I like how I look. It's because I get a rash under my arms if I sweat and rub too much under fabric. It is not because I think someone is going to look at me and think I am sexy. It is not because I am rebelling against anyone or anything. It is not because I am an agent of Satan.
They are just shoulders. My legs are just legs. It's just a body. It's only sexual if you tie those parts of me to sexuality, which in all reality and according to my experience has been done to about every part of my unfortunate gender's body.
How is it my responsibility to guard your thoughts against my body's mere existence? How am I supposed to have grown up a healthy, functioning member of society when all I've been taught about my body is that it's a mishmash of parts I can't touch or look at or explore or even learn to control for myself, let alone let other people see? How could I possibly be confident if it has been constantly stressed upon my young mind that it is my responsibility to cover myself lest I be looked at or molested or, god forbid, turn someone else's thoughts to sex as if they had no control over their own mind? If YOU teach YOUR son that a girl's exposed shoulders or legs or midriff are bad because they are sexual, if YOU teach them, through word or example, that those women are to be looked down on or scorned for the way that they dress, how can you expect them to respect the choices of any woman in their life? How can you expect them to learn to control themselves when they are inevitably thrust into a situation with a "provocatively" dressed girl? It isn't okay that my brother and male cousin can go sleeveless in their youth without being called out by teachers and parents, while my exposed shoulders would have gotten me shamed publicly by school officials and scolded by my parents. Nope, not okay.
I am so sick of feeling ashamed of my body. I was extremely "modest" as a young woman. I shamed other girls in my mind for wearing clothing that I personally deemed too low cut or too short. I thought less of them, while deep inside I held a burning jealousy for the confidence they had in their exposed skin. I hated my skin, just like I'd been taught to, and I hated that I hated it. Sometimes I worry that I will never stop hating it.
I take responsibility for the poor judgments I made of others. I have finally begun to take charge of and responsibility for my own thoughts, and I think that's a step in a wonderful direction. I feel better now than I ever have in my life, and I plan on continuing this transition into reality.
I fully expect other people to police themselves, including their own bodies, thoughts, and actions. I won't scoff at ideals that differ from mine so long as those ideals are not forced upon me. I refuse to force my perception of freedom upon anyone else, because the meaning of freedom differs for each person. I will not, however, continue to be silent on the matter of my personal freedoms being scoffed at through dirty looks or back-handed comments. I'll stand up for myself.
I absolutely will not take responsibility for your son's salvation. His thoughts are his, and to be healthy he needs to own them and to acknowledge that they are only up to him. Not my shoulders, back, cleavage, midriff, thighs, knees, or ankles, for that matter. A healthy adult recognizes that their actions belong only to them, and not the choices of their peers. By placing the burden of his decisions upon the shoulders of his peers, a culture of rape and sexual dysfunction is fostered and his personal progression is slowed.
Be an adult. Recognize that people have their own agency, and will inevitably dress differently than you would dress, or want your children to dress. In doing so you are freed to let go of unpleasant judgmental thoughts, self hatred, and self-shame. You are also freed to teach your children about true agency, about responsibility, and about the dangers of blaming others for their thoughts or choices. You can show them, through both word and deed, that they can learn to control their own minds. Your sons and daughters will be more likely to grow up confident, respectful, and kind. They will be much less likely to grow up hating themselves, their bodies, and their choices.
I am so much happier than I can ever remember being in my life. I care less about what other people wear, and I feel free to be myself in my own skin. Whether or not one chooses to dress according to a code of ethics, I have found that the most important thing is to monitor one's own life. It's less stressful, yields more positive social results, and strengthens personal relationships. Accepting personal responsibility is probably the single greatest thing I have ever done for myself.
